In high school, Jefferson Davis was voted most likely to secede.
The scientists were trying to study a solar eclipse, but the moon kept getting in the way.
You knew it was the end of an era when the Vikings started wearing life jackets.
The battleship’s semaphore message to the other vessel included several advertisements.
The now infamous instructions to the doomed explorer read “Land on the east coast, make your way to the South pole, then head due west.”
All my “Stop the War” signs are military grade.
After driving into work I realized I had forgotten my car keys.
The Pope asked Michelangelo if he would paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Michelangelo said “OK. Just make sure I can see the numbers.”
To increase their power in battle, an ancient civilization invented the chariot. But it was hard on the horses until a century later they invented the wheel.
As the saying goes, don’t put off until tomorrow what you can blow off today.
At the time, was prehistoric cave art dismissed by critics?
In a last second panic just before his Gettysburg address, Lincoln had his aide double check his math.
I woke up on the wrong side of the cliff.
What happens when 2 time machines have a head on collision?
Actually, Edison was trying to invent something to help him expand his moth collection.
I talked to the suicide hotline counselor, and eventually they said “You have a good point.”
Four nearsighted Hindu construction workers had just laid fresh concrete for a new sidewalk, when an elephant sped by, stepping on it and ruining the walkway. They went to the police to file a report, but couldn’t agree on what it was.
At the wedding reception, another guy and I were hurrying to the refreshment table. But he beat me to the punch.
During the war against a guerrilla group, the army commander had just reached his assigned objective when he instantly realized his orders had a spelling error.
The first man to land on the sun radioed back “Are you sure this is Mars?”
One year into building the Panama Canal, the exhausted workers asked the company if they would instead settle for a nice water feature.
The most common reason Neanderthals went to the plastic surgeon was to make their noses bigger.
The parking lot was full because someone heard the marina had sails on boats.
The pilot said “The plane is going down and we are going to crash.” A passenger asked “Will that happen to be near the A gate?”
I gave up on surrendering.
A mentalist read my mind, then said “Is that it?”
A man was on the scaffold ready to be hanged, when he turned to the hangman and asked “Are you sure this thing is safe?”
Buddha was meditating under a tree when an acorn dropped and hit him on the head. He grumbled “You jerk. I was almost there.”
Bigfoot was struggling to build a shelter for him and his wife, but it kept collapsing and he was getting frustrated. His wife said “You can do it, honey. I believe in you.”
A deckhand was standing in the front of the fishing boat, when the boat lurched and he fell into the fish hold. The captain yelled down “Hold on. It might take a while to get you out, but we are bringing some ice.”
A man was kidnapped by a terrorist group, and as they were about to make the ransom call, the man said “Can you hold off a couple of days? My in-laws leave tomorrow.”
I wonder if I was scammed when they sold me permanent invisible ink.
When the train stopped and the masked robber climbed on board, he yelled “Everyone, hands up!” Then he said to the guard “Now open the safe.” The guard said “Take all you want mister. We just passed Go and are heading for Boardwalk.”
The teacher was writing an equation on the chalkboard, then asked the class “Who knows what 2 times 2 is?” A boy responded “Lots of people.”
His monster was miffed at Dr Frankenstein, and complained “Out of all the possible bodies, you gave me the one with the enlarged prostate.”
I was peer pressured into not fitting in.
When I go on vacation to Florida, I’d rather not fly into Miami. I’d rather land at the airport.
Without a sense of object permanence, checking luggage would be devastating.
I’m a lefty but would give my right arm to be right handed.
I don’t think I am qualified enough to have impostor syndrome.
Sometimes I repeat myself, but maybe I already told you that.
I got sucked into a book about quicksand.
I was doing an internet search on “how to improve your listening skills” while my son kept trying to talk to me.
At the end of every school year, my parents received a full refund.
My voodoo doll wanted to look just like me.
Remember, when you see a mountain lion, do not make eye contact. Have your friend keep an eye on him.
The ranger was telling us how to remain calm during a bear encounter, when the senior ranger ran by in panic.
A man went to his doctor and said “Doc, I’ve been having horrible dreams at night.” The doctor asked “Have you tried daydreaming?”
The building was on fire, but thankfully the gift shop remained open.
A man was dying and floating up to heaven, when an angel came to him and said “You can stay here with us or go back to your life on earth.” The man said “Can I go back for a second? I forgot my phone.”
I count sleepwalking toward my steps.
I taught my dog to talk, but neither one of us can understand my teenager.
I plan to stop procrastinating tomorrow.
When time flies, what does space do?
The nurse took my blood pressure. Then left.
When a young woman sees a spider at a screamo concert, is her first reaction even worth it?
Is having a puppet ruler really that scary?
My public mask kept contradicting my reputation management.
The comedian’s jokes about infinity went on and on.
Is predicting the future a thing of the past?
The director told the doctor to have patience.
The creator of the matrix was devastated when he realized he was a simulation.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
One of the group's vocalists wanted to be the soul singer, but he wasn’t alone.
Carnegie was arrested for steeling carbon and iron.
I never complain about my problems. I complain about others.
I climbed Mount Everest using supplemental helium.
The ventriloquist was startled when he felt a nodule.
When Columbus first stepped foot on the New World, he was wobbly as heck.
A man went to Freud to figure out why he was so terrified of large bodies of water. Freud said “Tell me about your childhood.” The man said “When I was four my father, mother and I were on an ocean liner, when it sank and we spent two days in a life boat. When I was five I was swept away by a flash flood and had to be rescued down river. When I was seven I was in a sailboat when the wind blew it over and I had to cling on to it for several hours.” Freud. said “I have no idea why you have that phobia. Did you say your father?”
Every morning I look in the mirror and repeat to myself “I am not repetitive, I’m not repetitive” over and over.
The foreman told the construction worker to bring over his wheelbarrow and winch. The man said “I ought to punch you for that.”
A few weeks before that, Alexander Graham Bell started hearing things.
Van Gogh questioned whether he had cut off the right ear.
Why did the chicken cross the road? He did it as a joke.
Initially, many of the Egyptians wanted to make the Riddle of the Sphinx a knock knock joke.
There are only theories as to what the people on Easter Island looked like.
I took a course on levitating, but now wish I hadn’t skipped the one on descending.
My son swallowed a quarter. I said “What are you doing?! With this inflation, it will come out worth 20 cents.”
I think I have OCD, but I feel I should double check.
After Beethoven finished his last symphony, the conductor told him it was a masterpiece. Beethoven said “Yes. But I’m rewriting it louder.”
The pirates landed on a beach to recover their long buried treasure. The captain looked at the map and said “The map shows we’re in the right area. So spread out and look for the big X.”
In one year a scientist went through 200 assistants in his antimatter lab.
George Washington said “I cannot tell a lie from the truth.”
The family became worried when the elderly samurai struggled with remembering the Bushido code.
Napoleon worked on his palindrome day and night, but all he could come up with was “Able was I before I saw Elba.”
The batter asked for a time out so he could think outside the box.
I don’t remember ever being this forgetful.
What Neil Armstrong was most nervous about was forgetting his lines.
Some early human children were excited because in the morning the whole family was going into the Bronze Age.
They found a boy in China who could count to the last number.
Confucius say “Man with no teeth, always chew gum.”
Should dental insurance be priced per tooth?
One gunfighter said to another gunfighter “This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.” The other one asked “Are you including the new housing development?”
It takes too much energy to understand entropy.
The palm reader looked intensely at a man’s hand, then looked up at him and said “I need you to pay within two minutes.”
Confucius say “Cowboy who trip get pie in face.”
Confucius say “Man who stand in front doorway, get knocked on head.”
They looked desperate, but I felt reassured and kept driving when the hitchhikers gave me the thumbs up.
It was later discovered that the tortoise had been using steroids.
A group of paleoanthropologists showed up at my door with my genetic test results.
The astronaut left Earth because he didn’t like the atmosphere.
When the actor was told to redo the scene, he reacted poorly.
As it was such a new sport, the first bike race allowed training wheels.
The full Socrates quote was “The unexamined life is not worth living. But check with your doctor first.”
A bird in hand is worth two in the bush, although it varies depending on the species.
To forgive and forget becomes effortless with age.
For homework, the students had to write a paragraph in Spanish, and had to do math in addition.
King John looked around, but couldn’t find any paper. Which explains why scribbled on the reverse side of the Magna Carta was as a grocery list.
The miners tried to blast through the granite, but it was too hard.
I went on a vacation to China and was determined to eat only with chopsticks. But then I came to a fork in the road.
When I was stranded on a desert island, my message in a bottle was found by a guy stranded on another desert island.
When the CGI Studio went bankrupt, their characters were left virtually homeless.
Hamlet was overheard talking to himself.
Before paper and scissors, they could only play rock, rock, rock.
A man won the Powerball, and on the way home was struck by lightning twice. When he got out of his car, he was charged by a bear, so he dove into the water to escape, and was attacked by a shark. Not uncommon.
A psychologist found a cure for social anxiety, but wouldn’t come to the awards ceremony.
A penny for your thoughts once you come to your senses.
The man suddenly quit his job at the Ruffles plant, then stormed out with a chip on his shoulder.
The last thing the stegosaurus heard was “Take cover!”
For an answer to any difficult question, ask Master Huu. Huu knows.
The mole said “I don’t care how big you think your problem is, you’re not touching my hill.”
I don’t exercise because I don’t want to bring more suffering into the world.
A man was approached by two figures intent on armed robbery. His friend behind him said “Don’t worry, I have your back.” The man said “Mind if I have yours instead?”
Things moved a lot faster on the Oregon Trail once they raised the speed limit to 2 miles per hour.
The 400 pound sumo wrestler was the World Lightweight Champion.
The man had no idea where he left his book. It was a mystery.
While trying to come up with a plan, Robert Ford learned that Jessie James was obsessed with interior decorating.
It’s not good when the lifeboat captain yells “Abandoned ship!”
To amuse the crowd, the emperor made the gladiators start with a pillow fight.
How many home appliance salesmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. But he’ll ask you to buy an extended service warranty.
The letter I mailed came back twice. I resent it.
The wooden legged pirate captain wouldn’t allow beavers on board.
The color blind man was pulled over for running a green light.
The optometrist just gave up and told me the answers.
After several weeks, they decided to rethink their kamikaze pilot training.
The judge sentenced the cat to 9 lives in prison.
She blushed when the doctor told her she had acute sinus infection.
It made things worse in the Middle Ages when animal control thought the plague was spread by cats.
The counter spy needed a moment to think when he discovered the enemy’s counter spy was a traitor.
The poster said the outlaw was wanted dead or alive. Or in any other condition.
They said sound travels in waves. But I’d have to see it to believe it.
To the mob’s disappointment, the French Revolution had to be rescheduled until after they repaired the guillotine.
We were told to take our inside jokes outside.
The Sumerian school kids had to write a two block essay.
I knew my flashlight batteries were running down when the light kept traveling slower and slower.
I asked my parents for some money. The check they gave me was priceless.
If you fail, try not to beat yourself up. But if you do, fight back and beat yourself down.
He couldn’t keep going through that over and over, so the Jack in the Box determined to dig himself out.
I trained for months, but failed to win a participation award.
The enemy scattered immediately when the soldiers attacked wearing annoying neighbor costumes.
The artificial super intelligence was about to take over the world, but lost interest when it discovered doom scrolling.
The police broke into a cannibal’s house and yelled “Put their hands on your head or we’ll shoot!”
When the ancient mathematician came up with the numeral zero, the other scholars scoffed, saying it would come to nothing.
A rancher and his son stood on a hill, looking over their vast land. The rancher said “Son, someday this will all be yours, as far as your eye can see”. The son said “Do you realize how far that is?”
They originally thought it would be a good idea to have their Darth Vader character speak with a stutter.
When the boy joined the choir, and they made him their tenor. But his voice changed and they made him their baritone. Soon his voice changed again, and they made him their bass. They then told him if he does it again, they’ll make him their tuba.
The autobody shop was closed for repairs. Isn’t that a huge part of their business?
I received a text from an unknown number. I am sure it’s an old friend, because it read “Now you time for talk?”
The Milky Way wanted a daughter, but only had suns.
Confused by his new calendar, Caesar could have sworn it was March 14th.
The crew couldn’t understand what he was looking for, as Captain Ahab had trouble pronouncing his Ws.
I’ll always remember the moment my number came up at the DMV.
I had to sell my stolen goods to pay for my defense attorney.
He accidentally hijacked a car that was in the middle of being chased by the police.
Even in his later years, Tom Sawyer struggled with guilt over the fence incident.
The publisher made Shakespeare take out the emojis.
The last guests quickly left as the hosts reached for another can of pepper spray.
The identity thief begged me to take it back.
The goundhog still outperforms the forecasters twice as often.
In the 60s it was “Peace, love, dope", although “peace” and “love” weren’t added until later.
In the middle of his gravity experiment, Galileo ran out of rocks and cannonballs to throw off the tower, so he started throwing whomever he could grab.
Hoarders are the ones most affected by interruptions in the supply chain.
The climber lost his footing, but became the first man in history to descend a mountain in a snowball.
I rarely have wine with dinner, because I rarely have dinner.
I was so depressed about turning 40. The farther I get away from that the better.
He started to write a book about writer's block when his mind went blank.
It had been two days since I was challenged, but even in the middle of my wedding vows, I couldn't stop thinking of a white polar bear.
I dialed 911 and got a recording, which said that if this was a medical emergency, please hang up and call them.
It ruins the experience if self driving cars can't exhibit road rage.
I told my unemployed son to get a job as a ride share driver. I figure at least that will keep him off the streets.
The class became uneasy after the psychology professor said hallucinations are real.
What was he experiencing before he put on his thinking cap?
I obey the laws of physics only out of fear of punishment.
I always liked being the center of attention. Just not this firing squad’s.
At my age, am I being overly optimistic when making dinner reservations?
He gave a performance for the Zen Buddhists, and at the end of it, each enthusiastically rose to their feet with their one hand clapping.
The noun was always nervous by what the verb was about to do to them.
The dog used reverse psychology, and soon his trainer starting jumping on people.
People are starting to complain about the word "appreciate."
Researchers recorded whale communication sounds, then played them backward, and some seemed to say "Paul is Dead."
Champollion was struggling with deciphering the Rosetta Stone, so his Egyptian friend kept giving him hints.
I went to see Les Miserables, but was more miserables by the end of it.
Most authors recommend you write your autobiography when you are young.
William Clark hurried frantically to get to Jefferson's office and give him his report "The Clark and Lewis Expedition."
By the end of winter, northern latitude vampires just want to get some sleep.
Due to a change in mice dietary preferences, pet stores have moved from dairy-based to mostly vegan.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't a perfectionest.
The pope was greeted passionately by a large crowd of worshippers, and when he saw a wildly excited child in front, he reached down and gave him his shoes.
My date left abruptly after 20 minutes of trying to impress her with my fluency in pig latin.
Carbon dating is showing its age.
Teleporting is wasted on the contented.
His life goal was to someday run across the entire country, starting in Monaco City.
Do you realize, that at one time, wampum was the root of all evil?
Since he didn't like hunting, so in school he majored in gathering.
The teacher told the student to recite the alphabet. The student asked "Do you want that in any particular order?"
If you laugh at a dad joke, then you didn’t get it.